


the Nth iteration of the Straight Boy Freakout

by brightblackbird



Category: Rookies - Morita Masanori & Related Fandoms
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Canon - Manga, Hiratsuka's Issues, Homophobia, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Temper Tantrums, Texting, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:16:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9413432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brightblackbird/pseuds/brightblackbird
Summary: Sorry to Imaoka for making him endure this so many different times





	1. Chapter 1

**REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Okay listen up  
Here's how it is  
You are in a very privileged position as my best friend  
But that privilege comes with responsibilities and I am not going to stand by while you try to wiggle out of them  
So I've come up with a list of requirements for this boyfriend of yours  
I'm open to feedback but keep in mind you're probably going to be wrong  
Here we go are you ready  
Item one: I'm gonna to be spending a lot of time with this guy too so he has to be someone that doesn't get on my nerves  
He has to be smart enough to appreciate all my jokes and observations but not one of those eggheads who thinks he's smarter than me when really he isn't but he acts like he is and some people might say he is but they're wrong  
Basically he should be interested in the same things as me and share as many of my opinions as possible  
I'll have to look at his face a lot so he can't be ugly either and you're not going to find anyone more handsome than me but IF you did you could not pick him because that would be very insensitive to my feelings  
I'm most comfortable when I'm looking at my own face so try to find someone who looks kind of like me  
The second thing is absolutely no kissing or other perversion in front of me  
I don't hang out with you so I can watch you suck face with some guy I don't even know  
Keep one arm's length in between you and him at all times  
Also NO trying to turn me I don't want to see any kind of gay anything going on  
Tell him I'm impossible to recruit if you think he'll need time to grieve  
And if you mention him to anyone else you also have to mention me so people don't think he's better than me  
But NOT in a way that makes it sound like I'm one of you people  
For example you could say  
My friend Hiratsuka who is the finest man I've ever met in so many ways and is looking for another girlfriend to follow the many he has already had  
Was just saying the smartest thing to my gay boyfriend the other day and when I say my I mean Imaoka who is the one talking and the one with the gay boyfriend  
Not me the guy typing this  
I get that you're reading all this very carefully but any time you want to start with your feedback that would be great  
Are you done reading yet  
Are you THERE  
Imaoka  
Imaoka  
Hey  
HEY  
IMAOKA  
HELLO!!!!!  
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_-some hours of repetition later-_

**Imaoka shinobu:**  
were you texting me all night??

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
OH HELLO IMAOKA HOW NICE OF YOU TO JOIN ME

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
are these 11 missed calls also you

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I lost count after 5 but probably  
Keep your fucking phone near your bed  
What if I was on fire and needed your help and then I died because of you and you felt terrible every single day for your entire rest of your life  
Anyway what do you think of my rules

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
...  
you're gonna get really mad if i say it

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Wrong I am very open to feedback  
Try me

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
it kind of sounds like you want me to be dating you

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
That's an awfully self-centered assumption  
And I think it's hilarious that you would accuse me of this just so you can cover up your own guilt over abandoning me  
I mean obviously you'd be very lucky if you could find some kind of gay version of me but I'm so straight that you couldn't possibly do that  
Look at yourself you can't even reply to me on time because of the GUILT and SHAME

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i'm trying to make breakfast  
you started this so early i haven't even eaten yet

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
You wouldn't be having this problem if you had been awake when I started texting at you

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
that was at 3 am

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
YOU SEE we're already getting out of sync  
How am I supposed to keep this friendship going if you're always busy being asleep and gay while I'm awake and heterosexual  
Not to mention running around with your precious boyfriend at all hours

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i don't HAVE a boyfriend  
you made him up because you're nervous about something

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
All I'm asking is that you date someone who treats me with the respect I deserve  
I've known you longer so obviously I'm entitled to more of your time

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
if you've known me longer, wouldn't that mean i'd have to spend more time with him  
so the two of you end up even

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
No that makes no sense at all  
I don't know where you got that from  
Why would you even say that is there someone you WANT to spend more time with

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
no

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I have a right to know who he is  
Is he there now  
AREYOU EATING BREAKFAST WITH HIM IS THAT WHY YOURE BEING SO SLOW

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
no.

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Were you BUSY WITH HIM when I was trying to call before  
I can't believe you'd rather make out with some STRANGER than listen to my advice  
Tell him if he wants to challenge me he has to do it himself like a man

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
Hiracchi  
i'm just eating breakfast, by myself  
there's no one else here

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
YOU SAID THERE WAS SOME OTHER GUY YOU HAD TO SPEND TIME WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i was kind of joking  
because you're being ridiculous.

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
IM BEING THOUGHTFUL AND ACCEPTING OF YOU AND YOUR LIFESTYLE  
THAT YOU DECIDED TO THROW IN MY FACE ALL OF A SUDDEN FOR NO REASON

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
if you keep acting like this people are going to think you don't want me to date anyone at all  
because you're jealous

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
NO they are not  
What would make them think that if it's not true  
That's obviously not how it is  
Who are these people and where did you meet them

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
that's what i'd think if i didn't know better

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Well if you didn't know better then you'd be VERY WRONG now wouldn't you???  
What specifically is the thing that makes you know I'm straight though  
I'll just do that in front of everybody else and then they'll know better

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i know you get like this about any kind of attention no matter who it's from  
and as soon as you come up with some idea that makes you feel better, you convince yourself it's actually true  
and you have a terrible temper and no self control  
and apparently you stayed up way too late because you were worried that we can't be friends anymore

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Have you ever met me in your life  
You're mixing me up with your wonderful boyfriend who you love so much  
Why don't you go back to him if he's so great????????

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
Hiracchi  
you're confusing yourself again  
did you sleep at all last night?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
You are so off base right now it's actually really funny  
I'll have you know I didn't sleep the night before EITHER  
Because of you and your choices

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
how long have you been awake

REAL☆Hiratsuka:  
WOULDNT YOU LIKE TO KNOW

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
is it more than 24 hours

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Wrong again  
38

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
go to sleep.  
now.  
turn the phone off

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
You STILL haven't given me any good feedback on the rules I spent all that valuable time writing

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
they're very bad  
and i don't need them because i'm not looking for a boyfriend  
go to sleep  
have you been eating  
when was the last time you ate something?  
did you go to work yesterday?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Shut up  
Go ask your BOYFRIEND if he went to work yesterday

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i'm coming over  
don't make me have to miss an entire day of work  
did you at least call in to let them know?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I DID GO TO WORK YESTERDAY YOU FUCKER  
FOR YOUR INFORMATION

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
well, you're not going today  
eat something now before i get there

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
You are NOT the boss of me

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
Hiracchi  
i put up with kind of a lot from you  
because you're my best friend

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I put up with your bullshit every day of my LIFE

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i think you can put up with this one thing  
that isn't going to change anything, because you didn't even notice until now  
i'm not looking for a boyfriend  
and you'll feel a lot better once you get some sleep  
and if you're this upset about me being gay, you should probably get under the covers before i get there

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
THATS ANOTHER THING  
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP COMFORTABLY AROUND YOU NOW KNOWING YOURE ALL BUSY HAVING A BONER ABOUT IT  
YOU KNOW I CANT SLEEP WITH CLOTHES ON AND NOW YOUVE MADE IT ALL AWKWARD  
Male bonding time is supposed to be the one time I CAN be as free as I feel on the inside  
Without making women all overcome by their desire for me or getting arrested because of those stupid laws about clothes  
Are you sure you want me to sleep because it sure seems like this is all some kind of plot to KEEP ME from sleeping

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
when was the last time you saw me overcome by desire because of your boxers with the elephants on them  
just eat something light and lie down

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I'm just very concerned about you is all  
If you see me naked it could ruin you for days  
You'll probably get fired for being useless at work

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
if i get fired, it'll be because i missed too many days taking care of you  
and then i'll have nothing to do but stay at your place all day

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Do not THREATEN ME with your presence

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
the presence of your best friend  
i knew you'd get like this  
why do you think i never told you  
if you're scared of me now, there's no rule that says we have to hang out

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I AM NOT SCARED  
OF ANYTHING

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i can just tuck you in and leave

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
EVER  
THERE IM EATING ARE YOU HAPPY NOW  
YOU WEIRD FUCKER  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN LEAVE  
LEAVE WHERE

 **Imaoka shinobu** :  
if you don't like me being there i won't stay  
you don't have to see me again

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
DUDE COME ON HALF MY STUFF IS AT YOUR PLACE  
If you're threatening to steal my stuff I can have you arrested for that  
Look you're getting hysterical here  
Whatever you do don't get hysterical  
All I said was you've made things a little awkward for me

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
you said a lot more than that

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID I DROPPED MY FOOD  
THAT I WAS EATING BECAUSE YOU INSISTED  
I'm not cleaning this up it's not my fault

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
you want me to clean up after you  
after you said you didn't want me near you

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I just think it's the least you could do  
There's a bunch of paper everywhere too from when I was drafting my rules  
Also your fault

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
..........

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I can't SLEEP with paper all over the floor

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
if you need me to stay that badly.  
you can always just ask, you know

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I don't NEED anything  
But I think you'll feel a lot better once you've calmed down by cleaning up the paper  
Picking up paper is very soothing

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
are you in bed yet?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
ALMOST  
Don't rush me

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i'll be there in a few minutes

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Good for you

 **Imaoka shinobu** :  
don't throw any more food on the floor in the next few minutes 


	2. Chapter 2

_-some hours of rest later-_

**REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
HEY  
Listen  
Guess what

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
did you get enough sleep?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
YES  
God

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
did you clean up the paper

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
MAYBE

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
eat something else now

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
LISTEN damn you  
I figured out that feeling that was keeping me awake it's guilt  
I never did anything wrong before so I didn't recognize it  
Listen up because I'm only saying this once  
Sorry I helped make you gay  
Or whatever  
I should have shared my porn with you and encouraged you down the right path

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
it's okay

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I just figured you were quiet about girls because you had some kind of pathetic secret  
Like maybe you bought used panties to smell  
Or those long anime pillows  
Or you were still in love with some girl you met a million years ago but you decided never to tell her for some weird stupid reason  
And refused to ever date anyone else who wasn't her  
Something really sad like that

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
............

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Are you absolutely sure about this gay thing  
Because if you ever feel the urge to attract a girl I can totally go somewhere else for a while so I don't overshadow you

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
no, that's okay

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Anyway I apologized so you can't be mad now  
OK?????

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i'm not mad  
i just wish you'd stop acting like it's some really horrible thing

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I'm not seeing any way this is GOOD

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
it's not really good or bad  
it just is  
i never thought it was a big deal

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Then we are very different people

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i knew that already  
does it really bother you that much?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Look  
Just don't make me look at your boyfriend every time I come over  
Or a boy anime pillow

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i don't have any anime pillows  
or used panties  
or unused ones either

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Yeah I know I checked  
That's how I found that stuff to start with

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
you really don't have anyone but yourself to blame for this.

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Watch me  
For example  
We wouldn't be having this problem if you knew how to hide your porno better  
Or if you were a good host who knew better than to leave a guest unattended  
Or if you weren't weird and creepy enough to make me suspicious about your personal life

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
how am i creepy?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
That was just an example

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
you're the one who was looking for used panties in my apartment

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Let's not throw around accusations like this  
All I know is my suspicions were aroused

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
well, they were wrong

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Nothing else was aroused during that whole thing just for the record  
I was just looking for evidence

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
okay

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
And I found way more than I wanted  
You need to get some stuff with better covers by the way  
What you've got is very distasteful

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
it works for me

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I DONT need that kind of information  
Just know that your bad taste has burned images into my brain that will never heal

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i think you should get back to sleep

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I'm actually feeling very calm and rational right now  
Clearly if you insist on being all gay I have no choice but to tolerate it  
Thanks to this emotional terrorism of yours

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
okay  
i'm glad to hear that

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Within reason  
For example sharing porn is out of the question now because yours is worthless to me  
It would be a really unfair trade  
You could still look at the guys in mine but yours is nothing BUT guys and where does that leave me

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i'm not sure

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
You wouldn't get this but the way the straight brain works is I don't even notice the guys  
They're invisible to me  
I'd look at your stuff and just see an empty room and I can't jack it to an empty room  
WHAT is the point in you showing me your porn if I would never even want to look at it ever in a million years

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
you're getting worked up about nothing again  
have you eaten anything?

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
You're trying to make me sound like some kind of pathetic loser and I won't stand for it  
YES I have eaten

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
okay, good  
you know if i ever was going to have a boyfriend  
the one i'd pick would be someone you like a lot  
probably more than you like me

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I will NOT  
How can you possibly know that

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
just a feeling

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
I'm not following you at all

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
maybe you should go back to sleep now

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Maybe I should you're making even less sense than normal  
There is no possible boyfriend you could find that I would  
Do that  
You know what I mean  
Are we absolutely clear

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
that would be really nice to hear  
if i was actually with him

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
What's that supposed to mean  
Maybe YOU need sleep did you ever think of that  
You're the one who swore up and down this guy doesn't exist  
Go to sleep Imaoka you're hallucinating

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i guess so  
you have to promise you're going to sleep too

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Fine if you INSIST  
I will sacrifice my important thinking time  
In the name of keeping you from hallucinating about that boyfriend of yours  
What would you do without me

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
i really don't know

 **REAL☆Hiratsuka:**  
Do you know any other gays by the way  
How hot would they find me  
Just hypothetically

 **Imaoka shinobu:**  
good night, Hiracchi.


End file.
